Chicks with dicks aren’t hot anymore

Andy Warhol

1972

cherry cherry boom boom

Prologue

I’ve moved back home to my mom.

she lives in the countryside

there’s always food there

it means i can diet in peace

i’m alone most of the time

i don’t really go anywhere

my step count average is down to around 500

it’s fine

there’s a truck stop

4 minutes by car from my mom’s house

you’ve probably all been there

a lot of truckers sleep there

cause it’s close enough to Stockholm

it has something to do with sleeping schedules

and workers’ rights,

i don’t really feel like explaining it

i see them on Grindr every night

different ones

the same ones

i do not know if they’re happy

i wake up one morning wanting to go there

i do not know why or how

i remember i have an old bike

somewhere in the garage

it’s pink and too small for me

the gears are off

i decide it's worth it

i make my way through the small community

and out onto the big road

the bike does not agree with me

i’m drenched in sweat after just a few minutes

i make a turn onto the smaller road

that leads to the highway stop

through a forest

it’s a back road

everything’s gray

i expect to see the body

of some murdered beautiful girl in the ditch,

or a naked man with horns and a knife

at the sparse edge of the woods

it feels like America

or, i imagine this is what America feels like

it also feels like i’m about to have a classic

and very formative tranny experience

it's perfect

i’m looking forward to it

i don’t need money

i get there

the trucks are lined up as usual

with their curtains drawn

i stop my bike and look at them

i'm not dressed in a particularly attractive way

i'm sort of boy moding

i feel 14

i go into the gas station

i'm not crying

i buy a pack of Marlboro golds

i go home

Translation

baby

at first i thought you were crying

but then i saw

that it wasn’t tears

rolling down your face

baby

you've got sperm on your beautiful face

genital spiral (this is the one before the prologue)

It's a perfect morning

january

the sun is pink

can't be photographed

everything is bright

i call my designated nurse

she tells me there’s a surgery date

in february if i want it

fuck

i realise i have

48 days of dick

left

i've never even

wanted one day

of dick

but now 48

does not seem

nearly enough

ive got so much

tranny stuff

left to do

i really don't like when people want to sleep with me because of my dick i despise chasers it's a nuisance at this point really i can't remember a time anyone has seen it it has no function it plays no role in any play i don't use it for sex backless panties for the win lol maybe thats why ive never had a boyfriend i've never gotten naked in front of anyone ever but what am i supposed to do with a pussy i do not know what pussies are for i do not know what pussies without wombs are for why are pussies so small why do they look like that i do not want a pussy i do not want any genitals at all i'm scared of them i do not think they are beautiful i am not scared of boobs i love my boobs why cant pussies be like boobs god i am lying to you i actually love dicks i find them beautiful i find them arousing i can cum just thinking of a person's dick dicks are the perfect organ but i do not love my own one i want it gone i am very confused and now also a little bit horny

i start to drink about 45 grams worth

of fibre supplements a day

you never shit

you’re also always full

and ready for anal

i buy sex toys in bulk

i download Grindr

spend hours contemplating

if i should do it

i buy a plane ticket to Paris

i’ll never have time to use

i’m a bath bomb

the water turns pink

when i splash into it

glitter washes out of me

blends with the water

i put everything

tightly between

my legs

i look at my crotch

and try to cry

i start doing my makeup

like a child

clumsy liner

wrong colors

putting on huge pumps

awful wigs

and ill fitting clothes

standing in the

mirror, looking scared

but brave as if something

is starting

to click

i am a

tremendous actress

i get out

let the plastic

wash down the drain

some stuck to my skin

will the sex

i have with a pussy

be queer

my sister stays

home from school

with me

we eat Pop Tarts

together

she likes chocolate ones

i do not

she inherited our

mom’s gorgeous body

you get the gist

i slowly realise

i'm just scared

that the ones who've

fucked me

until now

have done it as a bet or

to find something out

about themselves

that awful sex

is worse

than non queer

sex

i stop drinking

the fibre

supplements

intricate knowledge

of the very fabrics of the

masculine and feminine

is not so bad

i’ll be absolutely

awful

unbearable

with a pussy

i really can’t wait

i finally understand

my guy friends

why they call themselves bi

cause straight doesn’t

quite sit right

the eternal dark void

of being the ordinary

the accused

evil man

haha

the bisexual identity

really is the saving grace

<3

i have this small tattoo

it’s a heart

really very badly

done

with a pen

a lighter and a needle

just to the left

of where my pubic

hair stops

it's barely a heart

there are dots

shaped like the tip

of a needle

all around it

it's all blue

and disgusting

and i honestly believe

no one’s ever

seen it

it was an idea

we had

at my seventeenth

birthday. i had

lured my city friends

out to

my dad’s house

we hung out in the basement

drank vodka

used it to sterilize

the area just to the

left of where my

pubic hair ends

they were so drunk

and when

they were done

and the sun had risen

again

we grabbed all the bikes

from our shed

to go smoke

and ended up here

it was crazy

we could see everything

even a town

i never knew existed

with a huge

mordor industry

these pictures

are from a morning

walk last week

i wonder

were my tattoo will

end up

if it will move

if my skin will

be pulled taut

if i'll ever see it

again

Bonus track

i just ate a Pop Tart

my life is neither boring nor meaningless

i just ate another Pop Tart

i am a Pop Tart 😭

i’m shiny and sweet

i am these blurred outlines of flower pots

this could mean anything

yellow syphilis up the bum drugs actress

i’m happy

i try to sell myself

but i am too quiet you see

this could mean everything

CLARA CROHNIELM:

https://www.instagram.com/polykarpus/

“<3” was edited by Charlie Zacks/

MAXWELL NORMAN’S ALBUM OF THE WEEK

Weatherday - Come In (2019)

In honor of Weatherday’s second record FINALLY coming out next month (stream Hornet Disaster), I’ve been revisiting their 2019 debut. When this first came out and I was a 16-year-old riding DEEP in Car Seat Headrest fandom, this absolute masterstroke of GarageBand emo scratched the CSH itch in a way nothing else but the band themselves could. These songs have structures like a Dr. Seuss city, with disparate parts joined together into a misshapen perfection, like the heavenly outro of “Mio, Min Mio” or explosive finale of “Porcelain Hands.” Weatherday has such facility with melody and distinct aesthetics that the brief punk explosion of “Come In” and the fourteen-minute odyssey “My Sputnik Sweetheart” both feel coherent and necessary to the album’s emotional power. And the lyrics—taking the title as a jumping point to explore the beauty and terror of opening up to anyone—continue to resonate with doomscrolling freaks like yours truly. Undoubtedly one of the best breakup albums of the past decade.

GET HIP

McGill Black Student Network Library, a good resource for locating and borrowing books by Black authors. The BSN Library is currently looking for volunteer staffers. Anyone can sign up.
Kat Mulligan and Maïka Hebert are reading tonight at an event for Pastiche.
Black Writers Matter, edited by Whitney French, is an incredible collection of works by contemporary Black writers. You can order the E-Book or the paperback via University of Regina Press.
Pulse Mag (MTL lifestyle magazine) is accepting submissions until Feb 17.
The Veg is accepting submissions.

<3