HOW TO DO IT IF YOU WANT TO PRODUCE OUTSTANDING CHILDREN
STIMULANT WEEKLY NEWSLETTER 003 // JUNE 15, 2024
The following is a summary of various sex manuals, some ancient, some modern, each stranger than the last. I understand that most of our readers are not yet at this stage and will first require instructions for finding partners who are both willing and able. Nevertheless, if you do find yourself wanting a child the following tips are very important for you to know. This subject matter is very inappropriate and out of consideration for your sensibilities I have tried to use the least vulgar language available to me.
A spirited and driven child
Most parents want their child to be motivated and successful, if you fall into this category read carefully. The girl cannot look at the boy, it has to be boy behind girl. Preferably looking out a window, typically the further the view the better. If you live in a cramped apartment in a city and your window faces a wall or an alleyway, consider asking your roommate with the better view to use their window. If you don’t have access to a roommate don’t bother, if the view is bad the kid will be very lazy. Also and this is very important make sure there are no mirrors. For this one the boy isn’t very important, if he looks at himself in the mirror it won’t make much difference, but if the girl looks in a mirror or even a reflection of herself in the window the kid is going to be vain and nobody wants a vain child.
An open minded child.
This is one of the easiest results to get. All you have to do is do it in a way that you don’t normally. So if you normally do boy on top do it girl on top and vice versa. That is the first step. Obviously, the novelty of doing it a different way will need you to be open minded and this will be passed down. You should say to eachother ‘this is new, this is different, but I like it’ that way the baby will learn that trying new things is fun.
Even if you don’t like the new thing you have to say it, that part really matters, if you don’t the baby learns that it shouldn’t try new things. If you’re a picky eater or if you know a picky eater I might have some bad news for you…
For the decisive child
I have bad news for you, if you’re reading a list on baby making advice it is probably already too late for you. This one is more for people conceived at a prom to read and realize why they’re so decisive, you cannot really try for this one, but my editor wanted me to put it in just in case.
If you want the decisive child you cannot think about wanting a child or have any second thoughts about your lover. The sooner the better. Think about animals, when they are in heat do you think they stop to consider that years harvest, or if they are responsible enough? No, they do not even realize they are going to make child.
With that in mind you have to be very careful, you can try to hack this one by making love without the goal of child or without thinking about it. But if even for a moment if the boy or girl thinks ‘wow this is passionate, we’re making child that is decisive.” it is too late and the results of this can be so disturbing that I don’t feel comfortable telling you.
If ever dared to call someone a bastard or laughed at a joke about someone being a mistake (even if it was just in a movie) consider this a warning. These decisive types are sure to lead nations in the coming chaos.
Humans have some very nasty processes of breeding animals, many types of dogs are so inbred they cannot reproduce naturally and need humans to intervene. Tell this story to a wild beast conceived in passion… see who he would consider the mistake between himself and artificially bred dog…
The magically inclined or psychic child
This tip is great for anyone who is suspicious or believe themselves to be at all involved a prophecy since if done right you will have a child who can confirm the details for you. To get a psychic child you and your date need to go to see a magician, but not just any magician, it needs to be one that leaves you amazed. If you have a friend who can do that card trick that everyone knows you won’t get the desired result. It can be a card trick, but generally any magic that you really cannot understand how they did it.
And don’t think you’re smart, don’t go home and talk with your date all “I think that the magician had planted their own volunteer in the crowd” or some other bullshit about the hat containing a rabbit sized corridor. If you try to figure out the magic it won’t work and your body will become confused and the child will not be at all inclined to anything out of the ordinary.
If you don’t have access to a magician, you can replicate the effect by using a microwave, playing with magnets or other similar activities with your lover, but only if whatever you pick actually impresses you.
Avoiding an anxious child
This one will seem pretty obvious, but when looking to get child you really ought to avoid being in the middle of a suspenseful piece of media. So if you just watched a show that left on a cliffhanger you really ought to wait until the season is done, but be careful because shows like to end seasons on cliffhangers too. Also avoid being in the middle of a suspenseful part of a book or even listening to music above 100 bpm.
The reason for this is the anxiety of the parents will be passed on to the child even if the child has never seen the show. Ask yourself if you think it is fair to bring a child into this world who is going to be anxious about plotlines that they don’t even know about?
I really don’t want to reveal too much, but you should also ask yourself why so many shows are so suspenseful, don’t tell me ‘erm it's because a plot line hooks us and the studio knows it will make more money’ yes of course the studio wants money, but for both of our safety you will have to figure out the other reasons for yourself or wait because I have already said way too much.
GIF from Donnie Darko.
How to Do It… was edited by Charlie Zacks.
get hip
“Proto photography” by Jacob Sponga at Don’t Submit, an online poetry site.
“Holes” by Hilary White, a fantastic new novel brought to you by Ma Bibliothèque.
“Monad 3”, an avant garde film by Dana Dawud and friends playing at Open Secret, an experimental film screening.
“Silly Boy” by Peter Vack, the first novel published by Jon Lindsey’s Cash 4 Gold press.
This video I found on Jonathan Brott’s YouTube channel from 2 years ago.
Last week’s entry to the Stimulant Weekly Newsletter featuring prose by Jack Schaaf.
Subscribe to Yolk literary, an independent publication based in Montréal publishing great work.
The work of Anthony Darnell.
“out of my body”, Charlie Zacks’ 40th (!!!) entry to his online serialized book, “too scared to tell my mom”.
Please support, if you can, families in Gaza by helping to get their voices heard and hopefully experience some amount of security. Here is a link to a spreadsheet from Operation Olive Branch which lists several ways you can support Palestinian families and individuals financially or otherwise.