RAUNCHY NEWMAN
STIMULANT WEEKLY NEWSLETTER 008 // July 27, 2024
After my grandpa died, I inherited his iPad. In his notes app was his entire life story. He was totaled but still a funny guy.
These are the sections I found most entertaining…
My Babysitter gives me a bath, touches all my shiny rolls. I want to be her Pikachu. I can make her laugh with my laugh, and then something is wrong because she stops touching me and looks away. I’m always taking it too far.
Fucking dumb mansion owning fuck. Husbands beat Nike runners in the doorway, doused in shoe goo. Special pair of shoes. You rich fucks. I am here for tutoring. I’m a stupid and dumb bitch. I’m crying in this dumb cold hallway. Her watch face doesn’t have numbers on it. She gives me smarties when I read the whole sentence all the way through. I’m not a fucking baby. I want those smarties though.
Minecraft porn is my lifesource. I watch it on dads computer with my boys and we jack off under our underwear. Having a panic attack, I hide under the bed and get a staple stuck in my hand.
I watch LeafyIsHere, ‘Acid Storytime’ and look at R/Drugs. My dad takes me to Orangeville Party City and I walk the isles pretending I’ve got a bag of H in my back pocket. H is what we call dat. That's how we live. I feel good. I have a reason to be here. Drug dealers always have a reason to be right where they are. A fiend comes up to me asking for a score. Fuck you fiend. Piece of shit, get the fuck outa here. I think I’ll let her get away with it this time, but next time it’s over for her.
My friend, In his Mazda 6, tells me that he likes blowjobs better than sex. Fuck yes. Me too. I’d blow his fuck rn. Not on that sus shit but when I’m on E and with my friend, I’m fucked if I’m not cuming. I am the Tom Finland Motor boy of Trap when I’m high. Young Thug chorus on Lifestyle is like jizz on chest– I do..ne did a looot of shi—- life ife ife ,,,,style, Weeee ca,,,me strai//ght fr… and this is only the begi…top puffin'puffin’puffin’
I quit vaping and Snapchat and on the city bus, Madi and I make up nicknames for people like we are children. “Squirty Dick Lips.” Madi laughs too loud and I feel bad. I keep needing to remind myself that all the people on this bus can’t tell I spent 39 minutes in the tub shaving my ass.
“…Not really sure how to explain. It’s like a woman who knows she’s all that, you know. Like a guy can’t serve cunt. Or a straight guy can’t… Maybe as a joke, he can?” My mom winces every time I say cunt. Why’d I even bring this up. I hold the satin pj’s up pathetically. I’m trying to tell her a girl once asked for something to sleep in and I had given her these. The girl didn’t even say, “these serve cunt.” I just made that up so that my mom would think I’m cool. I’m stuttering and choking and trying to backpedal and tell my mom, “Cunt is a state of being,” but I can’t get it out.
After finishing my large Blizzard and taking a shit I come out of the bathroom to Marco in the dark hallway. He’s holding out his hand for me to shake and to say, “good night Neil.” I take it but slide my fingers in between two of his, accidentally finger fucking his hand. I quickly remove them, and say, “goodnight Marco,” before returning to his granddaughter's room.
“Actually what I’m more worried about is not giving her a good introduction to Randy Newman.”
My friend's friend got his stomach pumped two times in a week. I tell the story at parties like, “My friend, one time got his stomach pumped twice in a day.” And when I get home I wash my feet and change my socks before returning to the living room where we are hosting the after.
Tweeting, “I can jack off to the explore page and still be a feminist because Phoebe Waller-Bridge in Fleabag jacks off to Obama and she’s for the girlies.” I feel bad for posting that, so I take it down. I’m gross.
Turn my air purifier on. Read an alternative book beside Wifey. Think about my Dungeons and Dragons group. Think about hops. Pizza night tomorrow. Dog-earing the page, I say, “I’m sorry about saying that joke in front of your sister.” “What was that?” “Remember what I said about the…?” “You’re always overthinking this stuff.” “Yeah.” “But probably don’t use that word around her.” Wifey turns off the light, I feel sour.
Dad’s body on the hospital bed is unfamiliar without his beer belly. We are quietly watching each other. Each breath slowing until he takes a last exhale and his head rolls back, mouth gaping open and I bury my head into the cavity of his chest and moan until I hear a strained laugh and feel his thin hand brushing through my hair, “Gotcha.”
‘IDGAF’ is written on a dude's t-shirt, I chuckle and nod to him, ‘Me too man.’ When I get home I watch old SpongeBob episodes on Youtube with the baby and stay up late painting my Drow army.
Waiting for the concert to start with my son, whole audience looks stupid. Thinking about not listening to this band anymore. “Everyone here looks like they went to clown school for at least a year.” He doesn’t respond. “Was that harsh?” “Sorry, no. It’s spot on. Do you want to stand closer? It’s too open here.” He’s rubbing his baggy hand-me-downs. He always dresses too heavily.
Round two, this time, a boy. I’m Invited into the room to meet my grandson. All new in his mothers arms, I point at his penis and say, “He’s got his fathers genes!” His tired mother chuckles. My son doesn’t laugh. He’s too out of it to find that funny. I’ll get him next time.
Eggshell walls, floral print comforter, Mom, Wifey and Dad are goners. There's a cross and a touchscreen thermostat in the room. Everyday I remind the caretakers, “I’M AN ATHEIST! MY PARENTS RAISED ME RIGHT.” The room's walls. Granddaughter leaves her phone facing up and open. Texts to her friends: “He probably can’t even cum anymore.” Is she like me? I wait around to see. Back in bed - goes up and down with little nipple switch. I fall asleep and drool. Everyday I look more like Mike Wazowski.
And that’s how he ended. I feel bad for the cum thing.
Sincerely,
Jeannie Eraser
RAUNCHY NEWMAN was edited by Jack Schaaf and Charlie Zacks.
ON ANON POSTING
In early 2024, Adrian D’Agnillo stumbled upon a box of hundreds of family photographs outside his apartment in Mile End. One of these photos was a rather innocuous portrait of one brunette woman seemingly named Jeannie. Written on the back was the message: “To: my little elf eraser <3 yah - Jeannie smile! :D”
Adrian D’Agnillo decided to publish his Stimulant debut under the name ”Jeannie Eraser” in honor of this finding. Charlie Zacks, editor in chief, is calling Adrian a pussy for not wanting to publish under his real name and Jack Schaaf, co-editor, is acting as the mediator. Below is a transcript of their chat log.
charlie zacks:
have u had any feelings or thoughts adrian regarding the name thing
adrian dagnillo:
I don’t wanna put my name on it but Charlie thinks I should
More funny thoughts but no serious thoughts
charlie zacks:
i think he should for good reasons and he thinks he shouldn’t for bad reasons
jack schaaf:
why don’t you want to put your name on it?
j curious
adrian dagnillo:
Yeah, I think I shouldn't put my name on it because when you think of a knock knock joke, theres no name connected to that knock knock joke. Its eternal
charlie zacks:
i’m gonna shut up by the way
adrian dagnillo:
Its an eternal knock knock joke
jack schaaf:
true but there’s always someone telling it and you associate the joke with them even if you don’t think they came up with it
adrian dagnillo:
Exactly, so anyone who tells this story could be the associate
The story associate
Jack Schaaf:
but i think socrates avoids this in the best way by just saying that his speeches are recollected from something someone else told him
you could start the piece by saying like “my friend told me this one time”
or something like that
adrian dagnillo:
Haha like Norm joke
jack schaaf:
or like “perhaps you’re familiar with the sayings of prodicus”
adrian dagnillo:
Norm Macdonald joke about the moth
jack schaaf:
yes
yes
charlie zacks:
i will chime in later bc i don’t wanna interfere w this
adrian dagnillo:
I think the main reason I wouldn’t publish without a name is because nobody in the newsletter has done that yet and it would make the piece some weird ahhh outlier
So I’ll probably publish with name
But I am super attracted to nameless publishing still
jack schaaf:
yeah that makes sense. but it wouldn’t just be weird. i think a piece is more meaningful when you know who wrote it
it’s an interesting idea for sure
i just don’t think any work gains eternality from anonymity. it always starts with a name and the name eventually fades away
adrian dagnillo:
Oh yeah no the eternal thing was just a joke, i was more into the idea that my piece is like a knock knock joke
jack schaaf:
lol
charlie zacks:
lmk when u want my take
adrian dagnillo: Or we meet in the middle
No name but just this picture
At the top
So it looks like it was written by Jeannie
But you have me holding jeannie
jack schaaf:
by [picture]
ok charlie what do you think
charlie zacks:
thanks
jack schaaf:
let the dogs out
charlie zacks:
was gonna die
so i think Adrian ur being a pussy
and in nicer terms, i agree w everything jack said
anonymity is so lame
adrian dagnillo:
Haha, yeah
charlie zacks:
like i wish i could shake you rn and be like “RAHHHH”
maybe slap u around a bit out of love
adrian dagnillo:
I still am in love with the idea but I am starting to see how it’s not right for right now
charlie zacks:
i like what jack said about socrates and shit
i was actually thinking of that exact thing not kidding
like sidestepping by saying it was soemthing someone said or whatever
you talked earlier about how this could exist within the world of Liveleak Summer
you could even attribute this whole to a story I told u if u wanted
or like some shit like that
just blame it on me
adrian dagnillo:
Oh my god
charlie zacks:
or not . i don’t care . the point is that it’s time to realize this work is worthy of your name and your name is worthy of this work
adrian dagnillo:
Charlie
Ur a genius
charlie zacks:
LMFAO
adrian dagnillo:
Thats who this is published by
Charlie
Author
As well
charlie zacks:
bro i am not taking this shit like that
definitely not
adrian dagnillo:
Haha
jack schaaf:
i do think think it’s a great idea. i also think it could be accomplished in ways other than not attaching a name to the piece
charlie zacks:
you can be like “charlie zacks told me :”
adrian dagnillo:
Written by, Charlie Zacks
charlie zacks:
LMAO
no .
not letting you do that
adrian this is the most important moment of your life
this is way more important than the circumcision (14)
adrian dagnillo:
Written by Jack and Charlie Zacks, you have the same last name
jack schaaf:
wowww
14?
charlie zacks:
by the way , whatever you decide , i’m gonna write about all of this in the post script
adrian dagnillo:
Oh god
charlie zacks:
i’m gonna talk about how much of a little girl ur being
yup.
adrian dagnillo:
Sexist
charlie zacks:
a little girl .
adrian dagnillo:
Written by Charlie Zacks
charlie zacks:
i’m not sexist . i run a magazine for women
adrian dagnillo:
Written by Aaron Bauman
charlie zacks:
LMFAOOAOA
in my mind, aaron is at this exact moment wiring Meta $300,000
adrian dagnillo:
Haha
I think I need to switch the perspective of the piece to do the ‘something someone told me’
I wanna do it like, ‘my grandfather tried to tell me about this tv show or movie he watched once that had…’
charlie zacks:
u can do that if u want
it’s a sidestep but it’s a compromise
u kno i love u . in like a healthy ass way too
i just wanna see ur work presented at its best
and ur just being a little girl about it
sorry
adrian dagnillo:
But I don’t think the anonymity thing is about embarrassment, I just don’t think I know how to describe why I want it to be anonymous yet.
But I’ll publish it non-anon
Written by Jeannie
My little elf eraser
charlie zacks:
ok i believe you
mayb i’m just projecting
bc i originally wanted to publish everything as C Zacks
until my friend talked me out of it
bc i was just being a pussy
i was scared to associate my full name w my writing
especially in print
but my friend was like “if you don’t publish with your full name, the whole point of stimulant is gone. you’re trying to encourage ppl, push ppl to believe in their work and publish it, so why would you hide behind a letter?”
and he was so right
i’ve only recently put my full name on my substack too
jack schaaf:
i was just wondering last night “would i be a better writer if i called myself J Schaaf?”
charlie zacks:
i get u lol
the answer i think is no
jack schaaf:
ya no
adrian dagnillo:
Yeah but what about Jeannie
charlie zacks:
i also think i’m personally attached to the idea of publishing with our names for the sake of bolstering this scene thing
adrian dagnillo:
An actual little girl
charlie zacks:
oh my god adrian
whatever man i’m just gonna send out a bunch of binary code
the fans will have to decide it
decode
i’m kidding . we can do it as Jeannie if u want
adrian dagnillo:
I actually really like Jeannie
charlie zacks:
but i’m not gonna act like it’s a good idea
adrian dagnillo:
I was really on ur side
Two minutes ago
jack schaaf:
ya but if we do it as jeannie or if we do it as anonymous, then someone anonymous might write a footnote telling the whole story of this conversation
adrian dagnillo:
Haha
charlie zacks:
that’s definitely happening
Jack Schaaf:
and anonymously ensure that readers know who wrote it
charlie zacks:
i’m anonymously fucking this whole thing up the ass
adrian dagnillo:
This is awesome
charlie zacks:
my job is to make tough decisions . it’s what i’m paid to do
and so i have to jerk off and die now
adrian dagnillo:
I think this is actually a really important conversation, can we do that?
charlie zacks:
yea we can
next week
this week is the story
adrian dagnillo:
Like its probably too long to transcript in the newsletter but could we like provide link to it or something
charlie zacks:
just trust me
adrian dagnillo:
It can’t go under the story?
charlie zacks:
maybe we post it on instagram
adrian dagnillo:
Okay so I will publish this week as Jeannie and then next week we post the conversation? Or I still just publish with name
charlie zacks:
well that’s still up to u tbh
i think we publish the story this week and also post this convo on instagram and put it at the bottom also i guess
i’ll make it less cluttered
adrian dagnillo:
I think for this it may be better if I publish as Jeannie cause its like, ‘oh he was still too scared, and then the anon jack thing about outing me is like more intense’
Its like we have made another story
charlie zacks:
sure
adrian dagnillo:
Thats how prose is done
charlie zacks:
just need a last name too i think
jeannie eraser
adrian dagnillo:
Jeannie eraser
jack schaaf:
good
adrian dagnillo:
Jeannie (Elf) Eraser
No too much
Just Jeannie eraser
charlie zacks:
yea
ok well do that
but here’s the compromise (on my side this time)
we get to publish an adrian dagnillo piece in volume 2
w ur name
u choose it
adrian dagnillo:
Deal
I was thinking about the one last night
charlie zacks:
ok it’s a deal
adrian dagnillo:
That I like the most
charlie zacks:
also u have to pay me $100000000000
adrian dagnillo:
Okay ill wire aaron
Where does the convo start?
So the under the story thing can be called like, ‘on anon posting’ or something
aaron bauman:
i am so lost get hip
BUY BUY BUY Kat Mulligan’s chapbook “Dogs at Play” published by Montréal’s Cactus Press.
Listen to our editor in chief reading his piece “Liveleak Summer” from the Stimulant Weekly Newsletter on Dana Dawud’s audio archive, Pleasure Helmet.
Zéa Dee Poku and Tomas Dessureault’s photo series with free-bleeding menstruation in public.
“Are You There God? It’s Me, Rowan.” — New prose from Rowan McSherry
“infinity in ash” — New prose from Padraig Greene.
“we can dance” — New prose from Charlie Zacks.
“GO TO HELL” by Katherine Plumhoff via X-R-A-Y Literary Magazine.
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